How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
