I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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