Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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