i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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