I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
