News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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