please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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