so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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