Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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