remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
