If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
