I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
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I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
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Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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