This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I want to fling myself into the sun
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
