we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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