my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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