Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
