You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
