she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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