remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
