That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The beer is more important than you right now.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
