i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
