she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
