This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
