I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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