I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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