Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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