Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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