You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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