and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
not ubering you a puppy
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
