I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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