ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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