before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
