True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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