if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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