You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
