My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
