I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
is that a dick in a sweater?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
