It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You can't just leave with hair like that
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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