Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
