Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You pole danced in your parka.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
