i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
