kristin has been a bad kristin
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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