I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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