Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
