Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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