You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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