brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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