Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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