Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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