Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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