I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
