i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
