Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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