So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
