Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
im about as happy as oj after his trial
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
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Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
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Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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