So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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