Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
