It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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