a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Let's get the cat blown out
not ubering you a puppy
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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