i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
