I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
