It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Randomize
